Gettingg betterr at typing, but cannot update with new article, found thiis old one on my hard drive.
Written before I discovered Ericc was an evill jerk.
Thiss weeks issue is proudly sponsored by the WWW.
Now we have all heard words thrown around concerning the junior DE's, animal sacrifices, satanic worship, setting fire to muggle babies, over use of hair styling products, general evilness, however this journalist decided ( well was forced to) uncover the truth.
I always assumed that I'd be greeted at a meeting by heathen concubines dancing naked in front of a ten foot tall demon named Gorath or something similar.
However on arriving all I found was a bunch of teenage Slytherins sitting about munching on cakes while discussing whose dating whom.
Well they were eating Devils food cake which speaks for itself, but it was still all very disappointingly.
While the DA club spends their time practicing hexes the Junior DE's spend their time eating cookie's while gossiping about boys!
Mainly they talk about whose fitter, some one named Mr Malfoy or the Dark Lord himself.
There were no animal sacrifices, well there was a dog running around but if anyone tried to sacrifice him he'd be kicked in their teeth.
In fact many members of the Junior DE gave me vaguely lost looks when I asked them what exactly they do during the meetings, the rest were busy trying to inhale scones.
Deciding that I wasn't getting enough information by just observing I decided to interview the newest member of the Junior De, Eric Weasley.
Colin: So Eric, how are you doing today?
eric: I'm rather good, thanks ...Colin, was it?
Colin: Yes I'm Colin, the little dancing boy, hmm
Alright my first question is, why did you decide to become a Junior Death Eater?
eric: I truly can't remember. I guess I signed up by accident when someone asked me if I would like to join. I believe it was the ...big Slytherin bloke. The one who's very enthusiastic about all this Dark Lord business.
I think he gave me a pamphlet in the Great Hall. It was a nice pamphlet. Green.
Colin: And that was the only thing that persuaded you to join?
eric: Well, curiosity of course. I mean, death eating! Doesn't it sound like the most fascinating thing there is? Death eating! Eating death, how do you eat death, do you boil it first? All these questions I just had to get answers for!
Colin: Eer Eric you do know that the word death eater is the name of a gang who believes in exterminating all muggles dont you? it has nothing to do with your diet!
eric: Er. What's a Muggle?
Oh, wait! I think I have a class called that.
The class that awfully nosy woman teaches. She's always going on about Muggles. Muggles, huh? Are they kept on a leash?
Colin: A muggle is a person who cant do magic Eric other then that they're perfectly normal people, my parents are muggles
eric Oh! Right, sorry. Muggles and dogs, always get those two words confused. Words with g's, you know how it is.
Okay, got it.
Colin: A MUGGLE ISNT A DOG, HOW DARE YOU!!! my god !!!
eric: Sorry, my mistake!
Colin: Well honestly!!!
Colin: Will you sacrifice yourself and the ones you love to Voldemort? As a journalist I must use proffesional conduct by saying his name although I don't like it.
eric: Well, I consider it better than not using his name. I mean, how do you suppose we would know who we're talking about if we didn't address him by his name? Anyway. Sacrificing, well, there's been talk of that in the DE club, but only about sacrificing cocks. Virgin cocks. As for ones I love, well. I can't remember whether or not I have a family. But I wouldn't kill them. Certainly not.
Colin: Virgin cocks? how can you tell if a chicken is a virgin or not?
eric: Ask the sturdy Slytherin bloke! I honestly haven't got the slightest clue. But isn't a cock like a male chicken? So it wouldn't be a chicken-- ah, nevermind.
Colin: Well even so its not like you can point at one and say " ah that ones a virgin" I'm not even sure if male chickens have.... things
eric: Me neither. I'll have to ask Professor Snape next time I have Sex Ed with him.
Colin: Yes I have sex ed with him as well, he makes things very disturbing!!!
Ok my next question, during your time in the Junior DE have you set fire to any muggle babies? killed any one? or learned any deadly curses?
eric: Are you kidding? He's an excellent teacher! Well, I did say f*** when I dropped my biscuit in my tea, but no one died!
Colin: YOU SAID THE F WORD, OMG my mother would kill me!!!!!
eric: Well, seeing as I can't remember mine, I don't know what she'd say. I don't where I learned that word. It just came sort of ...naturally.
Colin: Have you sought medical advice for your memory loss Eric?
eric: Yes, I've signed up for that ..ahh, his name was Goyle, I think, his psychotherapeutic --thingies.
Colin: I AM SO SICK OF HIM STEALING MY IDEAS, the closet thing was MY IDEA you know and he steals all the credit!!!... ahem
eric: That's rather evil of him.
Colin: Well he's a DE so it comes naturally, It stands for Death Eater Eric, thats what it means!!
eric I know. Splendid, isn't it?
Colin : last question, in your post you said only some of the rumors surronding slytherin are true, which one of these rumors happens to be true?
eric: Slytherin dormitory in Friday nights, I said. And yes, well, you know the rumors. It's not your regular study club! I think I might've picked up the f-word using from that one night I hid in the dark corner, too scared to leave... Wow, the mere memory of it makes me shudder. Anyway! For details, maybe you should ask some of your Slytherin friends.
Colin: wait a second what exactly happened Eric? DID IT INVOLVE CRABBE???
eric: The dancing guy? No, I don't think so. I'm not sure, though. You can't recognize people very well when they're hooded and naked underneath the flowing robes.
Colin: OH GOD....naked? did you see any bits???
eric: But I'm pretty sure they don't do that EVERY Friday. It was probably just some sort of a celebrational thing.
eric: I saw a bit of skin, yes.
Colin: OH GOD
Colin: you poor poor dude!!!
eric: It's not that bad! I have more nightmares about the Hitler person on that porno.
Colin: You know Hitler is a lot like You Know Who
eric: I should hope not! Do they both speak that ugly language?
Colin: Well no, you should quit the DE as soon as you can and join the drama club. Hitler and You Know Who have very similar beliefs.
eric: Oh, so You Know Who also believes that all young girls should be brought to him for a special "talk" that doesn't involve any talking apart of feverent moaning?
Colin: OH GOD
eric: Icicle hasn't made you watch those tapes yet?
Consider yourself lucky, tiny dancer. Very, very lucky.
Colin: er well no, I've kinda well been hiding from her for a month now, AND I AM NOT TINY, WHY DOES EVERY ONE KEEP SAYING THAT???
eric: You're just shorter than the average! It's not an offensive thing to say. Your tininess may prove to be beneficial to you some day! And hey. It's not the size, it's how you work it.
Colin: I am so sick of people calling me short just because I'm not bloody six foot tall, there are lots of men who are MY HEIGHT, LIKE TOM CRUISE I cant talk to you anymore Eric, you've really offended me!!!
eric: Aw, don't be angry. I didn't mean to upset you.
Colin: NO this interview is over!!!
eric: Okay, let's make it that. But don't leave all angry. You'll lose your appetite!
Let's shake hands! Come on, mate. Please?
Colin: Fine, we'll shake hands but the interview is OVER
Eric: Alright. See you around!